April 25, 2017
I need a vacation from me.
Just writing it makes me feel both joy and sorrow. A day from me and my body, my symptoms, my worries – me. If I could live just one day from all the illness, headaches, worries, and burdens, I would feel free. Almost as though I wold actually be living. But isn’t that what I’m suppose to be doing now – living???
I don’t always feel that way. Like today.
Today I don’t feel like I’m living. I don’t even feel here. I lie in bed right now thinking, “Why me? What is my purpose? If I were to be gone – not dead – just not here in this body, life that is me – would I be missed?”
If I stopped writing about fibro and trying to make a change in my fibro community – would anything be different?
What if I wasn’t here to clean, cook, and manage my family? Would I be missed? Or would just what I do be missed?
What impact am I having on the world? And not the entire world as in Earth, but in my immediate world. Am I just going through the motions as the song suggests? I feel as though I am.
This is why I would feel joy and sorrow when I think about taking a vacation from me. Joy because I wouldn’t be feeling sick or depressed or anxious or worried or burdened. Sad because I wouldn’t be missed. Just what I do would be missed. And even that wouldn’t be missed for long because someone could easily replace me. I am, inevitably, replaceable. As much as it pains me to write it, it remains true.
Maybe on a different day I would also feel different. But, right now, today, I am replaceable and that is sad for me.
I do want a vacation from me.
To feel an entire day of sunshine with no clouds. Just the warmth of the sun with a cool breeze at my back. No worries of a pending headache. No fear of stomach pains from eating the wrong food. No pains radiating throughout my body. My shoulders wouldn’t droop from the weight of my worries and my mind wouldn’t be thinking of the hours ahead to prevent the next symptom from settling in and taking over my already failing body.
Yes. A vacation from me would do just fine.
Disclaimer: Please understand that everyone is different in their journey with fibromyalgia and/or chronic illness. This is my journey, my stories, my vulnerability to share with you in order to help in some way. It is in no way to compare my journey with yours or to minimize your pains, feelings, or experiences. Please do not comment with any negativity.