Vulnerability Makes the Biggest Impact

December 11, 2015

I am overjoyed that I went to the women’s bible study group last night. It was truly enlightening, encouraging, and eye-opening for me. It was very much worth the physical pain.

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Despite being nervous to meet others, I was excited to meet one of the ladies because she also has fibromyalgia. We had connected on the community Facebook page when I posted my site’s 12 Days of Giveaways to the members of my community. I was looking forward to connecting with someone else with fibro so we can have that mutual understanding of the fibro life.

Meeting her was so much more than I expected. I thought we would exchange stories of symptoms, resources, and other fibro stuff. We sort of did, but what she said to me was so much richer.

She told me about her recent fibromyalgia diagnosis, symptoms, and frustrations of trying different medications. I gave her some tips as she asked for them, and we discussed our mutual symptoms and failures of various medications.

Then she started talking about my blog, and how useful it was. She said my posts were helpful, but My Fibro Journal is what she really enjoyed reading. The journal entries were the most interesting and easiest to relate because the entries were the most raw and real to her out of the entire Being Fibro Mom site.

Huh? What?

It’s perplexing to me that the journal entries are the most interesting and helpful part because, though shorter than my usual posts, they are the most difficult to write.

Yes, they are raw. Yes, they are real. They may even be the easiest to relate for most fibro sufferers, but they leave me the most vulnerable, the most emotionally drained, and bring me the most face-to-face with my illness.

That’s a lot to swallow for each entry.

These reasons are why I quit posting my journal entries. In fact, I quit writing them all together since March. They left me feeling chewed up and spit out by my illness. I dreaded my family and friends to read it because I didn’t want those close to me knowing my daily struggles. I let others know what I think is important for them to know, and no more than that. How I truly feel is for me, and me alone.

It’s easier having strangers reading my words of feelings than my family and friends. It feels more judgment free. I know – I’m weird. I’ve been told that a time or two.

I’ve never had to re-hash my journal entries. I write down what’s on my mind, upload it to my blog, and walk away.

No discussion.

No questions.

No feedback.

I like that.

Now, on my first night of women’s bible study, I had a kind woman telling me that the most emotionally naked part of my blog is what helped her the most.

How do I digest that?

What are my next steps from here?

Here are my options:

  1. Leave it as it is. Take the compliments she lavishly gave, and leave it at that. It thrills me that I made a connection to another fibro thriver – beyond words. But I’ll just leave it alone and do no further entries despite her insight. It’s just too emotional.
  2. Resume writing the journal entries. Even though I’m an emotional wreck reliving the days’ struggles and difficulties, it’s worth the connection I may have with a reader. Even if it’s one reader out of a thousand.

Seeing the options on paper makes it a no-brainer: I need to resume my entries, but the struggle to write them or not was not so easy that night or the next morning.

Having a person tell me, face-to-face, how much my struggles make it easier to face their own struggles leaves me speechless. And my husband can testify that leaving me speechless is no easy task.

Ive been asking the Lord for months to show me if my writing is where I need to devote my time. A question I have asked time and time again throughout the last two years. Meeting this lady at bible study was my answer. Keep writing.

Having someone online tell you how much you’ve helped is an overwhelming joy of satisfaction of helping others. Someone in your face telling you the same words is unparalleled.

I struggled with finding a bible study group. After a year of searching the Lord not only led me to a bible study group, but also answered my prayers of needing direction.

No matter how much I am ran over with emotions, I will continue to write. I will face my illness, and I will conquer my fears of facing it at the end of each day.

I am broken.

I am imperfect.

I am bruised.

I am emotionally drained.

I am tired.

I am fibromyalgia.

I am real.

I am here.

I am loved.

I am me.

What more could I ask for?

Thank you, Lord.

 

Disclaimer: Please understand that everyone is different in their journey with fibromyalgia and/or chronic illness. This is my journey, my stories, my vulnerability to share with you in order to help in some way. It is in no way to compare my journey with yours or to minimize your pains, feelings, or experiences. Please do not comment with any negativity.

Read more of My Fibro Journal.

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